Friday, January 2, 2009

New Year's Resolutions are for Wussies

New Years Resolution~
The things you promise yourself you will do over the year, but quit after the first 2 weeks.

I have NEVER been one for resolutions. You either phucking do it or you don't......why do you need Jan. 1 to make a new path for yourself??? Why can't you start it on May 16 at 3:30 in the afternoon??? No one ever goes through with them.

The one thing I am definately not looking forward to is the gym on Monday. For people like me, who have been exercising their ass off since 1992 religiously for 6, sometimes 7 days a week it pisses me off to go into the gym after the first of the year and not be able to find a machine to work on or someone has all of a sudden moved their fat unlimber arse into my.....MY MY MY MY yoga spot. The yoga spot that is MINE.....all mine. EVERYONE there knows it is mine....they don't phuck with my spot. I thought about putting caution tape around my spot before I left Monday night but the yogi just frowned at me.

I have decided to join in on this nonsense though and make some resolutions........although these are resolutions I know I can keep.

#1 Continue to eat and cook as much yummy food as possible without gaining a pound.
#2 Continue to yoga my ass off while balancing a cinnamon roll on each arse cheek while doing a shoulder stand (now if I could only take a bite of the roll in this pose my life would be complete).
#3 And last but not least, continue to display my Child's Holiday Artwork on My Bottles of Alcohol.

Yes, that IS a TeePee on some Tortuga Light Rum......fits quite nicely

And what paperbag turkey wouldn't be happy celebrating his Thanksgiving atop a bottle of Capn' Morgan Coconut Rum????

What??? It is all for cooking, give me a break, sheesh.
Don't you EVER say I don't have class honey, cuz I got class!!!!!!!!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

HAPPY FRICKIN' 2009!!!!!!! A Reflection On Christmas Foodie Delights of 2008!!!!

I rang my New Year in with a little bit o'this..................Chocolate Carmel Lava Cake with a scoop of Vanilla Blue Bell (best ice cream in the south). I only ate 1/2 of it, I swear. Dana ate his and the rest of mine......then complained the rest of the movie (Juno) oooooh oh why did I eat all of that. Gluttonous perhaps??

Here is a continuation of the previous blog about the King Arthur Flour stuffed walnut cookies. Chocolate hazelnut and white chocolate hazelnut filling spread between and then sandwiched together.

I can't believe I didn't put these on a plate for a more appropriate picture, but you know me, Miss Inappropriate....even in Christmas Cookies.

These little rounds of heaven are the beginnings of Gourmet Magazines 2007 Peppermint Patties. My smudge of chocolate on the parchment paper is uber professional.

These are absolutely amazingly simple to make and soooooo delicious. They keep for a month in the fridge. I usually freeze mine between parchment paper but find that I keep sneaking one or two throughout the day. They are very yummy cold.

This bubbly concoction comes from Gourmet Magazines 2008 Christmas Cookie selection.

Looking purrrty damn good.......yeah I know it is not a cookie, give me a break.

It was their recipe for a brittle.

It was like a sundae without the ice cream. Although you could have been really bad and beat the bejeezus out of it and sprinkled it over ice cream. Everyone needs the bejeezus beat out of them occasionally and especially during the holidays when they get out of line. This wasn't one of those "break your teeth into shards" type-o-brittle either which made it all the dentist bill is ALWAYS a plus.

Have I lost you yet???? c'mon, I know your attention span.......this can't be easy for you. If you are still following......I am very impressed, Kudos to you. I tried to include lots 'o pictures for you non-reading folks.

I basically had TWO food Phuck-Ups for Christmas 2008. This was one of them.

What started out as a wonderful fruity Italian Panettone turned out to be a nasty disgusting bread o'shit. I have decided to make this the Foodie Quote of the year 2008.

The bread smelled wonderful.....fruity and heavenly....I even purchased fiori di scilia for the authentic Panettone flavor. The dough was baked up perfectly but when you bit into was what you would imagine vomit to taste like. I couldn't even bare to take a picture of the finished product. Phuck-up #1 down.....1 to go ho ho ho.

Phuck-up #2 Aunt Bill's Brown Candy (yes, I said Aunt Bill)

You start with a water and sugar syrup and simmer until amber or golden brown for you color challenged individuals. Trust me....this is not an easy task....try it sometime.

Then you add in a cream and sugar mixture and boil until hard ball stage (no, not blue balls....hard balls, which I guess sounds just as raunchy). After that it all went to hell. I tried to make this hellish candy 3 friggin times. 3rd time was supposed to be the charm. I can't remember where I got this was either bon appetit or gourmet or one of those thousands of cooking mags I subscribe to....Fortunately for Martha (Stewart of course), this wasn't her fault. It came with a quippy little family story and how the recipe was passed down through generations, it pulled at your heart strings and for an uncompassionate bitch like me-self that aint often. Well someone along the line phucked up something cause I couldn't get the sheot to turn out to save my life. It is always best to blame others for our own setbacks......keeps the mind healthy and strong.

Here are the kiddos......2 of them anyway. Decorating Christmas Tree Sugar Cut-outs for Santa Claus.

I swear we all have diabetes after eating these.........

Click on these tree pics to blow them up....they look damn fine. I decorate a mean tree, if I do say so myself.

Last, but not least, this is our elusive College Student (Don't worry, he had no hand in any of the food preparation, with hair like that are you kidding me??? Although, Starbucks loves him). He decided to grace us with his presence for 3 days with his common law wife (heheheheh sitting next to him). He blew in and blew out of here and is back in Omaha making us proud at the University of Nebraska. Majoring in Chemistry with the intent to go to Pharmacy School at the University of Nebraska Medical Center. I know he looks more like a street pharmacist than someone you would find in Walgreens (we tease him that he looks like Captain Caaaaave Man)but he loves that head of hair of his and we love him for loving it!!!!!!!! Get a tat' already dude, it's time.

I really need to update more often....this was exhausting.